What its Like to be Reflective From a person who has a Boisterous Inner World..

Sometimes I visualize myself as a mirror, with different kinds of people, different personas are created in which I imitate behaviors or mannerisms. Sometimes I am not aware I'm doing it, sometimes I'm talking to a person and it's like a mirror pops up in front of my face. Very rarely do I realize this, when I do it saddens me, one of the things I value the most is authenticity. When I'm surrounded by people who do at times even remotely seem inauthentic, it brings me great grief, annoyance and I find myself becoming more distant. To find in-authenticity in myself is like having a small painful splinter in your foot while you are wearing socks and shoes. The entire "Mirror Mechanism" might be a result of trying to connect with others and relate to them. 

When you are a reflective person, it's like you are traveling deep within yourself, it can be a beautiful thing but it can also be confusing and painful. For me, if I can visualize it, it's like hiking downwards into a deep cave where it's very dark and becoming incredibly aware of your place in society and the universe, your roles and different facades you put up with...among other things. I can get so lost inside myself that I become unreasonable and I cloud my own mind.

Being reflective might make you more intuitive. For example, when I talk to someone I tend to do this annoying thing where I analyze their facial features, their movements, where there eyes are going, their tone of voice, and other things and this results in me not having paid attention to what the person said....which can be inconsiderate. On the flip side of the coin, i'm understanding their nature, what kind of person they are and how they interact with others, it's getting a feel for the type of person they likely are. Observing people a lot through out the years for a reason unknown to me has made me more understanding in terms of accepting people and figuring out how they feel or what they want.It might be strange to say I could feel when someone is being inauthentic to themselves and this isn't surprising, many people can because they themselves have displayed many forms of in-authenticity to themselves and others.

Something that I have learned or realized about myself quite recently is something I like to call "The Repeat Button", or "The Broken Repeat Button." This is when  you repeat an event, a situation or a conversation several times in your head and re-invent what could have been or simply replaying an uncomfortable situation and cringing. Someone once asked me, "What makes you feel the need to do replay these events in your head?" This question made me think a lot, different possibilities include a dose of perfectionism embedded in my being, a need to control situations or fix them or many other things that I thought of that didn't really make sense. I even pondered about my upbringing. I often found that how you were raised as a child is crucial to your future development as an adult. I could repeat a past event over one hundred times in my head. I can try and not 'replay' but battling with your mind in my opinion can be more challenging than a physical fight because I personally, don't have a person teaching me skills or techniques to handle these situations.

Many people would say...."Just don't think about it." Yeah, it doesn't really work that way when you are consistently gathering data and processing information. It's not like I can wipe out my memory, reset my data and start from scratch, ALTHOUGH, when trying to change something the first thing to do is start. 

 It's a good idea to know where you came from to know where you are going. Today I have become a sensitive over-thinker prone to depression and sometimes even apathy. In these situations I find it empowering to have social support and thinking positive things about myself and my surroundings. Even without knowing all that negativity suppressed or simply gathered into piles can result in...not so great result. It's important to have a balance between seeing the good and the 'bad' of things. You can self critique yourself to improve yourself as a person but you mustn't beat yourself up so much to the point where you socially isolate yourself and cage yourself up because you think you aren't good enough or any other reason. I know, because many times I have done that without really understanding why.

Now I am thinking the title should have been "What its like to be Overly Pensive or Reflective" Haha 

Going back to the Mirror Mechanism thingy....It's important to remain true to yourself, be the type of person who can be themselves when talking to any person whether they like it or not, I connected with amazing people and most of it happened when I approached them with my authentic self, be it silly, eccentric, weird or child like.  To approach a person with open arms (literally or figuratively) means opening a world to amazing opportunities.  Mirroring other people might not be such a huge problem, or maybe no problem at all, maybe its a good thing, I have yet to know but I find myself doing this mirroring at times...........perhaps it is a result of human nature, to mimic others, if you look more into child development and psychology you learn that in the beginning stages even babies and baby monkeys mimic others, MAYBE ITS A SURVIVAL TECHNIQUE OMG 

Nonetheless Reflectiveness is a quality that must be taken care of in quantities....

Many grammar mistakes :P I have no time to correct such things! I am thinking here! Ha-

Couldn't think of a title

Its been a while since I've written anything on here or looked back at this blog. I think you should keep writing Aida, keep writing stories on here and if you like we can write them together or make up prompts like we used to. I only have one month left until I go back to school :)

Really looking forward to a philosophy class I will be taking.

Back in High School we used to talk about that stuff all the time... in class, in the bus, walking, sitting.  Such dreamers we are. I can't believe all that was last year... LIKE REALLY? I felt like so much time has passed since then! It has felt like two years but we graduated last year...that's insane.

My laptop that I used to use was malfunctioning and running really slowly so I didn't spent a lot of time online for writing. I recently bought one actually :P
Its been nice messaging you on Facebook. I deleted the messenger app to make room for this game I used to play, it saved my data and I'm in level 77 so I've been spending quite some time as a mage. Soo I can't reply as quickly anymore, although I'll log in every now and then and check messages haha always the procrastinator

Well have a great summer and winter and fall and spring !

dream journey jornal (cuz i can!)

Dudeees I had a dream that I was passing down a school and as we were driving past parts of the school building were burned and my roommate said to me "it's sad how they don't tell anyone how it happened, it was never on the news" and I saw flashbacks of the building being burned at night, the school was huge and the part of the school that was burned was completely desolate. In the fire there was a young girl and she was walking towards me, dont think she was human, after that I felt another presence In the roomwas in real life like something wanted to get in my heart and I got up gasping and anxious, paranoid.
The end :p

Anecdote within an Anecdote With a Few Pictures

Recognize this butt ?  What you don't?  Haha it's okay you probably don't. Ignore the date on the picture (sometimes cameras get the wrong date) but this was actually a student's art piece at Dominican University.  This was when I went to visit universities in  Northern California. That should ring a bell. Believe we went here in April of 2014! That's crazy! I feel like it's been longer than that. But them again it is almost 2016!

Okay now to the actual topic of this post... Photography! So I remember before I went on the Northern California College Trip, I asked my parents if I could have a digital camera so I could take pictures because I remember at that time I had a cheap phone and the camera quality wasn't the best and well I really wanted to take pictures. (And I lowkey missed my old digital camera, I owned a digital camera back in 2011 it was a Nikon digital camera that was touch screen and it was pretty awesome!) So they were like but cameras are really expensive luckily my sister chimed in that they sold cheap cameras at Kmart so we went. And I bought a cheap one, I wasn't so content since the brand was Vivitar and I had never heard of that brand before. It was only like 9 MP but I bought it anyways. I mean a camera is better than no camera right?

Well apparently not to my 16 year old self. I don't know why but when I was around the ages of 15-16 I was very concerned about being updated with technology. Here's an example. When I was 15, instead of having a quincenera like any Mexican girl, I went on a three day trip to Catalina Island with my parents and my sister. On that trip, my family and I owned phones which were pretty much outdated for today, they were non touch screen and had a low quality camera . My parents always like taking pictures ya know for memory like any other parent. I remember being on a tour in a jeep with my family and an older couple (I think they were in their 60s) and in this moment I noticed the technological gap between my parents and that elder couple who were older than my parents ironically. The elder couple was taking pictures of the landscape with either a digital camera or their smart phone while my mom took a picture of the landscape with her nonsmart phone and my dad didn't take any pictures because he got so frustrated with his old phone.  I don't know why but in that moment I felt so embarrassed. Well I do but I'm straying too far off topic. This little anecdote might turn into another discussion of materialist obsessions. Well the point is. I felt so embarrassed that my family didn't have such technology. They didn't have smartphones or digital cameras.

Well this post has gone on for too long so I'll try to make this short. So back to my original discussion. When I was on that trip with my little 9 MP camera, I felt so inadequate and so out of touch. You see I knew how to use smartphones and digital cameras but I just didn't have any. Everyone on that trip either had a smartphone or a digital/professional camera. My camera was so basic compared to theirs. Every time I took a picture it made a noise while the other kids' cameras didn't. Every time I wanted to get a good picture I had to make sure I was still and as far away as possible in order to get a good picture while the rest of the kids just had to have their phones a bit far back and effortlessly got a good picture. The worst part was that the tour guides rarely stopped which meant I rarely had time to take good pictures. I never looked back at those photos because I lost the camera was pretty sure the pictures came out ugly.

A decent photo taken at Stanford with my 9 MP camera

But  one year later I found that 30 dollar camera and I took out the micro SD card and I looked back at those pictures, most of them were blurry (mainly because every time I took a  picture it made a noise and I either got embarrassed or felt rude so I quickly tried hiding my camera) but there are a few pictures which actually came out decent. Well what I really wanted to say with this story is that sometimes the price of a camera or brand of a camera doesn't really matter. Sometimes a 30 dollar camera can take pretty good pictures if the person behind it actually takes the time to take a good shot.

Blogging

So hello? I guess you probably won't read this since you made your own blog haha. (I haven't been stalking you what are you talking about? I just stumbled upon a Google plus post of your blog) But I'll write about this anyways.

First it's been officially 8 months since anything was written. And well  this blog was a very interesting idea. Since those 8 months there we've sort of gone our own ways. You go to University in Northridge and I go to one in  Irvine. It's been officially one week since I started school and 4 or 5 weeks since you started.  My school year has started out rough and I have felt like I wasn't good enough but I won't go into details. One of my assignments  has been to start a blog for one of my classes called Humanities Core. At first I was excited after I turned it in extremely confident but afterwards when I saw a couple of students' blogs I felt like I had done the assignment  wrong. The truth is the content of their first blog posts were extremely elaborate while mine was just... basic.  I still believe this. The prompt was to look for a picture of war and describe what the photographer wants us to feel about war. I was being basic and decided  to just directly answer. That was my mistake. Yet when I look back on this blog I feel like when we wrote personal blog posts or just blog posts about our feelings I feel like they were good. I mean I guess the reason why I was so confident is that these blog posts are more real and personal. While when I am writing for my class blog I know that my peers and my instructor are going to read them so it makes me more conscious. Maybe if it were just peers I wouldn't feel so conscious but the fact that a teacher is reading it makes it feel like I have to answer in a somewhat formal way and I can't be as casual.  Like one of my classmates even had a bibliography on her first blog post. I feel like the blog I'm making for class is so... fake. I feel like I am forcing myself to write a blog. I mean yes I know it's work. But having a minimum word limit I have to meet makes me write nonsense. I feel like it shouldn't have a word limit. Maybe a maximum but having a word limit you have to meet feels so limiting. I don't know maybe I'm just complaining for no good reason. Maybe there is a word limit so I can challenge myself and come up with new ideas. The whole purpose of this blog post is basically to explain my frustrations. I felt like I was good at blogging but it turns out I'm not as good as I thought I guess I just have to push myself more.

Damn You Jessica!

I hate to admit this but...I've gotten addicted to StumbleUpon! It's so awesome! Like it's interesting because it gives me interesting things to read and do like this

and this!

Well yeah I would tell you how awesome it is but you already know about it so yeah. Thank you!

The Monster

My name is Hiroshi. I am just a boy living in Japan. How I came to tell you my story, I do not know. But I am here, and you were chosen. That is the way it has to be, let me continue. We heard a rumor that a monster lived in the outskirts of town. We went inside the abandoned house, the one that everyone was afraid of. 

It was 2:25 in the morning when we went inside the house. As soon as we stepped in the door locked itself. We stayed there near the door. We heard the shattering of glass. I was the only one that went to the kitchen. My friends stayed behind. There was a broken plate on the kitchen floor, that was the source of the noise. When I returned my friends were gone. I went upstairs and I saw a library. There were many rooms. As I passed one of the rooms my peripheral vision caught something very strange. I saw something blue in one of the rooms. When I turned to focus my eyes on the sight nothing was there. I went inside that same room, I distinctly remember how cold that room was. In the middle of the room there was a small table. There was a key on the table. When I picked up the key I had seen something terrifying. It was a blue monster, it was looking at me with the most widened eyes I have ever seen. It reached out to me and I screamed the loudest I have ever screamed in my entire life. 

The chase began, I ran out of the room and fell inside another room. I thought this was the end of me. I ended up hiding under a dusty bed. There was no sound, complete silence. I could no longer see the monster. After a while I went outside the room, I was no longer myself, I was traumatized. I was confused, I had no idea if what I saw was real. I went inside another room. In this room there were two beds. My bones felt weak, I was shaking and I fell to the floor. Apparently I had fainted, I was lying on the ground and when I turned my head I saw a hole on the ground. It was under the bed. I moved the bed with the little strength I had left. I knew that I couldn't get out of this house, I don't know how I knew but I did. I heard a strange sound coming from inside the hole, hoping it would be my friends I jumped in. It was dark and I was cold. I heard something move. In the corner on the right I saw one of my friends hiding behind a drawer. She looked terrible. Her hair was out of place, her skin was pale and she had blue splotches on her clothes. She couldn't see me for she was forcing her eyes shut and her hands were covering her ears, she was trembling.

I tapped her on the shoulder and she shrieked. I told her "let's go home together", she only screamed and cried. I didn't know what to do, I climbed out of the hole and wandered around the house. I put my hands in my pocket, I felt something inside. It was the key from earlier. I don't remember putting it in my pocket. My hands were trembling trying to hold on to the key. I Heard a scream of pain. It sounded a lot like my friend. When I climbed back in the hole... I'll never forget what I saw. My friend was lying on the floor, her eyes were widened. Her heart was splattered on the floor. I was confused, I didn't know what was going on. 

I woke up, I was in my bed and it was raining outside. I looked at the clock, it was 2:25 am. I sat there in bed for a couple of minutes trying to make sense of what happened, trying to figure out if these were nightmares. I walked to the dark bathroom to wash my face. When I looked up at the mirror my face was half blue. When I stepped out of the room I realized I was still inside the abandoned house. This house was familiar, I knew where all the rooms were, I knew every inch of this place. I reached inside my pocket and the key was there. I remembered this key...it was the key to get out of this house. I was the blue  monster, I had murdered people. This abandoned house was my home. I was the one that lured my friends here. They were running away from me but I wouldn't let them leave. I had found every one of my friends and now they were all dead. The blue monster I had seen, I was seeing myself. I was never hiding under the bed, it was just the boy I had killed.

 My name is Hiroshi. I am just a boy living in Japan. I was born this way. I was a monster living in the outskirts of town. I can see you, your eyes following my every word. Nothing makes sense, I know. Pieces of the puzzle are missing. All I know is, This is real, I am real and I'll be waiting for you. This is all part of the game, and you're next.

A Challenge!

  I have a challenge for the both of us! The challenge is to put your ipod/mp3/itunes/spotify/  whatever you use to listen to music etc in shuffle and the first song that comes up you have to write a  story based on the song! Bonne Chance! It's a challenge so you can do it or not, not mandatory!

The Crazy Cell

* This is a story I created in 10th grade for biology x) so be warned there are a couple of grammar

     
      The Crazy Cell is the  nickname of a famous mental institution who helps these mentally I happen to run. In this institution we try to help them out by helping them discover their hobbies. My name is Nucleus and let me tell you all about  this place. I am the one who’s in charge and makes sure everyone doesn't mess up. First let me introduce you to the famous Mito Chondria. There’s nothing wrong with him he’s just very energetic and people say he’s  diagnosed with hyperactivity but I don’t see it. You see that one big guy over there his name’s Cell Membrane he regulates what comes in and out of this place. There’s also G.G Apparatus who is a former hoarder she is slowly overcoming that by storing useful stuff and modifying them for use after she done doing that she saves them in Vesicles and mails them off.  I almost forgot to mention the most famous twins, the ER twins, nicknamed Smooth and Rough. Smooth. They used to be troublemakers but now they have changed. The Smooth E.R is now working on the lab making lipids and breaking down stuff.  Now his twin Rough E.R helps Ribosome. Now what that means is that Ribosome makes proteins and in order to do that he has to be with Rough E.R. Don’t they make a lovely couple?  There’s also Lysosome who has O.C.D. He just can’t stop cleaning, it's not as bad as it use to be. Now he only cleans the inside of this place, I guess that's not so bad. I mean hey at least we get this place clean for free. I almost forgot about Chloroplast. He’s a really sweet guy, he really likes the place and absorbing light  the only problem with him is that some people say he’s passive aggressive, which I think is a lie. You may be thinking wow thats alot of people you have to take control of, but I don’t mind it what i do the best. Bossing around people is my job.